andrewhinton

yourautisticlife , 2 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic

I think the evidence is mounting that in some circumstances I can be rather slow to process emotions.

Sometimes it is not until the day after something happened that I get angry. During this "something" I keep a placid demeanor. This demeanor is not a strategy or a conscious decision.

Then, the next day, I realize how this very thing gives rise to emotions, often anger.

I'm wondering if it relates to alexithymia. I'm not confused about what I feel, but the feeling may get delayed.

Or maybe it is a combination of:

• people pleasing,
• autistic inertia,
• alexithymia

Just thinking out lout about one of my characteristics here.

#ActuallyAutistic

andrewhinton , 10 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic
FYI The Neurodivergent Conversations podcast has been doing a series on “what is autism” that I’m finding very helpful and validating. First of the series here: https://pca.st/episode/b601654c-72cc-48da-b7ab-875d30077d21

pathfinder , 12 days ago to actuallyadhd group

@actuallyautistic
@actuallyadhd

After joining a post by Niamh Garvey (hopefully a successful link to it below) about whether she had adhd as well as autism, I have spent the last couple of days contemplating this idea for myself as well.

I am still not entirely convinced, but I am beginning to suspect that I might well be in this situation as well. After watching a number of YouTube videos from those with both autism and adhd and reading up on adhd, I can see a number of things that point on that direction certainly, although I'm not entirely convinced.

I have always been aware of the near overwhelming urge to either interrupt people, because there is something I want to say and if I don't then, then I know there is a more than a reasonable chance that I will forget what it was. I also have a tendency to want to finish people's sentences. Both of these things though I have taught myself to resist. Even though I feel a great deal of discomfort doing so. I am also more than aware that I can forget what I was saying, or thinking, halfway through a sentence. That digging through the trash to find the package with the instructions on, that I only just threw away after reading, is not uncommon. As is failing completely to understand or remember the instructions someone just gave me.

But then, my short term (working) memory is basically non-existent. But, I'm also aware that this is a fairly common problem for autistics and even before I realised I was autistic, I built up systems to help myself deal with this. As well as with my general forgetfulness. Lists, memory aids, even making the route out of my flat a trip hazard to make sure I don't forget to take something with me. Also, I live alone and essentially there is a place for everything and everything has its place. Not foolproof and I have lost things in a very small flat that I still haven't found. But generally speaking effective.

I struggle to start tasks, especially tasks that I have no real interest, or desire to do. Being interested in something has always been my main motivator. But eventually, I can normally force myself and work my way through things, especially if I know they are necessary. Knowing I have this problem is also why I hate leaving things to the last moment. I know that I am more than capable of doing that if I allow myself, but also that the stress from doing so is nearly overwhelming, even if it can be motivational. As is the stress of clutter. Not the organised clutter that is my flat, where I know where everything is, as in somewhere in that pile over there, but the clutter that builds up eventually and begins to feel as if it is out of control.

Novelty is a factor in my life. Or, boredom, rather. Because sooner, although far more likely later, I will grow bored with routines, or things like safe foods, and need to change them. Many of my interests also seem to suffer from a similar threshold. A certain point where I lose interest and no longer feel any need to maintain them, even though this might make me feel guilty about giving up on them. In fact, I hate boredom and I have always needed a certain amount of new things to watch, or discover and to be actively doing stuff, if only in my head. And whilst I have never thought of myself as being particularly spontaneous or impulsive. I am, within certain limits of self-control. There is a rationality that often has to be appeased that gives me a sense of control. I have also taken stupid risks and great risks. But rarely beyond what I knew was necessary, or to my mind, at least, controlled to a point.

I can be easily distracted, by random thoughts or by, (well obviously not squirrels, I mean who would be? but, oh, oh, there's a butterfly) things. But not always to the point that I'm not at least marginally still aware of what I should be paying attention to. Letting myself wander whilst maintaining at least a marginal awareness is an old trick of mine. I have always been a fidgeter, but that's also how I maintained concentration. Feeling the overwhelming need to move, has always seemed to me to be anxiety driven, or is the way I focus and think. In fact, movement for me has always been as much about settling and regulating myself, as it has been compulsive.

As I said, there are certain things that seem to fit, even if they also seem to have been effected and possibly modified by my autism. I would love to hear your thoughts.

https://beige.party/@niamhgarvey@mastodon.ie/112390279791932822#

pathfinder , 13 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic

Much to my shock I realised that I could be autistic when I was 53, roughly 7 years ago. And it was a shock, even though I suspect a very small, well hidden and very much ignored part of me, might have suspected. No one told me about it, or suggested that it might be the case. I did not see myself in relatives, the way so many of us do. I just happened to come across an autism test online and for no particular reason, took it.

It was that, that started me on my path to realising and finally accepting the truth that I was autistic. But, looking back, I sometimes find it hard to understand how I didn't know earlier. So much of my life now, just screams autism at me. But even ignoring the horribly ableist and medieval view I had of what autism was, the main reason why I didn't was probably because I could mask, both from myself and others, so well.

It was, I realise now, a life lived in denial. A denial of how much things bothered me, how much effort I had to put into things. Even a denial of the things I knew I couldn't do. Because this is the thing about appearing to mask so well, for so long. It is, in a sense, a lie. I couldn't mask well, if at all. Not all the time. Not in all situations or circumstances. There were things I just couldn't cope with, or even begin to deal with. But the trick was, that I either knew about them, or learnt the hard way about them and then I could manage my life to avoid them. Because they were things I could live without, without affecting how I appeared to be coping. Things that didn't affect the way I lived, even if they did affect my sense of worth. Because, how broken did you have to be, not to be able to go to crowded events, like a sports match, or a concert? Or to be able to deal with the socialising of a large gathering, or a family event, without having to hide in the kitchen, or forever outside, or break down in a toilet?

It was all part of how I masked myself from myself. The internal masking, as I like to call it. If I couldn't cope, then I was broken. If I couldn't stand something, then I was too picky, or sensitive, or I simply needed to learn to ignore it. And somehow I did learn. I learnt how to cope with noise and smell and visual overwhelm. I learnt to not let things bother me. To a point at least. There was always a step too far, when I couldn't, or didn't have the energy any more to maintain it. And this did take energy, a lot of it. Something I've only realising now that I don't have the energy to spare to even try it. Or the ability to, in many respects now that I know what I was trying so desperately to hide from.

Because when the truth is known, it's far harder to deny it. It's far harder to live the life where appearing to cope, is as good as coping. Where blaming yourself, is easier than seeing others faults. Where ignoring the pain, makes the pain go away. It's hard to see the mask as a benefit and always a good thing, rather than the shield and tool it always was.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

niamhgarvey , 14 days ago to actuallyadhd group

Doctor suggested I have #ADHD but I don't think I do because:
I am able to force myself to do things even if I'm not interested in it.
I do not like spontaneity.
When I have a deadline, I cannot leave it to the last minute or anxiety would cripple me.
But I do struggle to pay attention unless am hyperfocused. And I do have executive function challenges. And I have to have a project. And I crave dopamine hits.

Anyone else similar to that?
@actuallyautistic
@actuallyadhd

pathfinder , 19 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic

No matter how well I learnt to mask, no matter how well I learnt to get on with people, if not in any deep and meaningful way, at least superficially. There has always been one skill that I have never mastered and that is simply the ability to not upset people and especially without having the slightest idea how.

Or that I didn't for a long time, anyway. It was only when I realised that I was autistic and that the way I looked at the world was in some ways substantively different from the way many allistics looked at the world, that I began to understand something. Allistics tend to find validation externally, through feedback from the group or the part of society that they identify with, whereas autistics tend to find it within themselves, in their own reason and sense of worth and value.

Now I must stress that in many respects this is a generalisation and obviously there will be a lot of variation and degree in how true this is. But in its more extreme forms, it could very well explain many of the experiences and difficulties that I've had.

Because if someone's self-worth, the value they see in their life and actions, is almost entirely based on their interactions with the dynamics of the group they identify with, or the society they live within and not from their own judgement, then this could lead to certain choices and reactions that are quite frankly alien to someone like me and that I could easily end up in conflict with and all without really trying to.

For example, if the value of a child reflects back on its parents. Then in the extreme case the values and behaviour expected from that child, are not those of the child, but of the parents in terms of the group the child is meant to be representing them in and how well it is doing that. So any sense of divergence from that or criticism of that child, no matter how slight that might be, could easily be seen as an attack on the parents and reacted to accordingly, irrespective of how reasonable or just it was.

Equally, of course, worth, praise, or rewards, can also become divorced from any sense of reality. All that matters is that you, whether that's through your children or not, are being valued, not whether there is any justice to it. Because the truth or validity of it, is not based on how you see yourself, but only on how others see you. And in the extreme case, it doesn't even matter how they came to this view, as long as they have it. So worth can become something to be manipulated and played for and how you really are and how you actually feel about yourself becomes almost irrelevant to this process.

That people could even be this way, that everything could become how you're being perceived and anything that effects that negatively can be something to be attacked, is still something that I struggle to understand. It is so foreign to my nature. But, it certainly explains so many of the times that I've upset people, because I wasn't playing this game, or seeing the world the way I should and didn't even realise it.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

alexisbushnell , 24 days ago to Random

Just watched the Autism From The Inside video about the SciShow episode.

Really great response video IMO. I've sent it as a reply to the We're Here #Nerdfighter email list too in the hopes it does make its way to the SciShow team and #ActuallyAutistic folks are listened to.

Video is here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bYPdc2cT-E

LehtoriTuomo , 27 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group Finnish

My previous actually autistic posts gave me some excellent answers and furthered my processing a lot. Thanks to everyone involved! 💜

I self-diagnosed very late. Some big reasons have been a) not having certain stereotypical qualities such as aversion of eye contact, and b) scoring between NT and autistic in many online tests. Interestingly, the realization that I'm autistic wasn't that big identity-wise. I've understood I have certain qualities ages ago. Instead of a change in my identity, it's been a big relief to understand why I'm this and that.

There's still lots to process though. I'm only now coming to grips with how my memory works, for instance.

Ordered two books on autism, Neurotribes and the Devon Price book. Really looking forward to reading those.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

dorgaldir , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group Dutch

I feel this so hard. Why can't people just be clear about what they want?
#autism #actuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic
#feels

SaySimonSay , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

It's a few years ago but I still remember it vividly. My partner and I wanted to have dinner at an Indian restaurant in a small town in France. We both don't drink alcohol, so when it came to ordering drinks, we both went for a childhood favourite: menthe à l'eau and grenadine à l'eau, which is just syrup mixed with water. The waiter looked puzzled, then smiled, but didn't say a word.

Many of us are not keen on 'adulting' when it comes to tax returns and forms and contracts and all that jazz – but I've never even been keen on the parts of 'adulting' that others were excited about in their teens. I basically still have a childish taste.

I don't drink coffee. I don't drink wine, beer or any other type of alcohol. (Never even tried, it smells horrible to me.) I don't smoke or use any other drugs. (Same.) To be honest, I don't even like dark chocolate 🙈

My taste has certainly evolved since I've been a child, but it doesn't include anything that is only suitable for adults.

Sounds familiar?

@actuallyautistic

lifewithtrees , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Question for the @actuallyadhd and potentially @actuallyautistic

I am someone who gets migraines and have since I was 8. The reason was never uncovered, but I know migraines are more common among neuroduvergent folks like myself.

My question for you is this:

When you have pain, what do you do to help manage it so your emotional regulation goes out the window?

In short, I can be mean when I am in the midst of migraine.

I want to do better.

Any advice?

#mentalhealth #AuDHD #migraine

JeremyMallin , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

If you know, you know.
#ActuallyAutistic
@actuallyautistic

autism101 , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Do you need routines but actually dislike them at the same time?

image: unknown
#AuDHD #AskingAutistics #AskADHD #ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

theautisticcoach , 1 month ago to DisabilityJustice group

Ableism in society isn't just an oversight - it's a pervasive societal issue that diminishes the value of disabled humans.

Recognizing this is the first step toward meaningful change.

How have you encountered or challenged ableism in your daily life?

@actuallyautistic @disabilityjustice

hosford42 , 1 month ago to neurodivergence group

Requirements to put in a job description to discourage or filter out autistic people:

• Comfortable with ambiguity
• Strong people skills
• Good culture fit
• Multitasking
• A fast-paced dynamic environment
• Bachelor's degree or better

I see these things and think you don't want my >30 years of programming and machine learning experience, or my problem-solving skills and comprehensive knowledge that had people mistaking me for one of the team's PhDs, or my solutions that have proven patent-worthy. Your loss.

#ActuallyAutistic
@actuallyautistic
@neurodivergence

pathfinder , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic

As a late-realised autistic, one of the things that I have to keep dealing with is imposter syndrome. It dogs my footsteps constantly, waiting always to leap out and trip me up. In this, I doubt that I am the only one. But, in some unique ways, those of us late to the party may be particularly prone to it.

I can only go from my own case, but I think that it comes from a combination of things.

Firstly, I have not been officially diagnosed. The element of doubt that this can bring is, of course, why many of us go on to seek a diagnosis. But, it also means that I never was. I wasn't "spotted" as a child. In fact, I have never even had anyone suggest it to me as a possibility. I had to find this out on my own, through my own research and determination. So, of course, there is always the option that I could be wrong and in large part, because I was missed. Of course, I had left university before the concept of "high-functioning" or "Asperger's" had really become known, or something even to be aware of; especially here in the UK. But, that doesn't mean that autism wasn't being diagnosed, or recognised by professionals. So the fact that I had slid by unnoticed carries with it the option that it was because there was never anything there to spot in the first place.

There is also the very life that I have managed to live because of that. This may seem like a strange thing to say. But, the fact is that I have worked, lived alone, done many things and experienced much that could only be considered normal and which I might not have if I had known I was autistic. It's easy to look at that and second guess myself. Even if that means forgetting, or minimalising, all the effort I had to put in to achieving it. All the ways I learnt to cope and get around my difficulties. Even how much of my life and choices were carefully shaped to totally avoid the things I couldn't do, or which would shatter me completely if I tried. But perhaps only because of my failings, that my inability to cope fully was only ever because of my flaws and never anything else.

That this was always what I was masking from myself. That it is the reason why I find it so difficult to separate the mask from myself now. Because I don't want to see the flaw, rather than reveal the autism. The autism that seems so much less than others. It's easy to see the aspects of being autistic that I don't relate to and understand that it is the nature of the spectrum. But, it's harder to see the aspects that I do, but never as badly as others seem to. That even the things that seem so much worse for me now, may only be that way because I'm expecting them to be.

In fact, it is always in reading the words and seeing the lives that others have had and are having, that the imposter syndrome bites the hardest. Compared to so many, I have had a life of ease and privilege. I have had it so easy that of course I have to doubt. Who am I to compare myself to them? Who am I to even begin to say that we are similar? In fact, I see so much room for doubt. There is a whole life to look back on. A whole history that in so many ways seems so much at odds. Especially considering that it is a history, as much as anything, of having deceived and hidden truth from myself.

So, will I ever be free of imposter syndrome? No, I sincerely doubt it. Even if I were to feel the mad desire to get an official diagnosis and could overlook my distrust of doctors and the systematic faults with it. Even if I could crush all my niggling fears and concerns and come to believe in myself with every atom of my body and aspect of my soul. Because, beyond anything else, doubt is logical. To the rational mind, not having a reasonable doubt, even about the most certain of things, is itself fundamentally irrational.

So, I can't help thinking that I'm kind of stuck with it. But, the real question is, whether I allow that to come to dominate me. What I really know now and see so very clearly.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

catswhocode , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd Been rewatching The Magicians Season 1, and I suddenly feel like the magic users are the neurodifferent people and everyone else is neurotypical! :blobfoxlaugh: maybe I'm onto something

VeryLateDiag , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Hi. I haven't been on social media for the past year or so. (Mental health: very not good.)

But yesterday I had the final part of my autism assessment, and the official verdict is that I am #ActuallyAutistic.

It's a relief, but it feels a bit weird. I guess 50+ years of bafflement and self-loathing don't just go away overnight. But I made a bargain with the universe that I'd try to give living as my real self a go if the diagnosis was autism.

Just need to find out who/what my 'real self' is.

#LateDiagnosis #Autism #ASD
@actuallyautistic

ImmedicableME , 2 months ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Just shared two major lists of autism traits in females with someone who is wondering if they’re autistic and crying as I reread all of the things that led to me pursuing an autism diagnosis at age 48, you know, as one does. These lists literally changed my life.

#ActuallyAutistic
@actuallyautistic

https://the-art-of-autism.com/females-and-aspergers-a-checklist/?subscribe=success#subscribe-blog-blog_subscription-2

https://taniaannmarshall.wpcomstaging.com/2013/03/22/moving-towards-a-female-profile-the-unique-characteristics-abilities-and-talents-of-young-girls-with-asperger-syndrome/?amp=1

Dr_Obvious , 2 months ago to ActuallyAutistic group German

@actuallyautistic
If you lived in the 90s there is small chance you never stumbled over the magic eye. These pictures of grainy shapes and colors and if you stare the right way you see something in 3D.

mighty_orbot , 2 months ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Why do neurotypicals get mad if I don’t ask them how they’re doing, when the whole reason I don’t ask is because they consistently volunteer the information anyway?

@actuallyautistic

GottaLaff , 2 months ago to Random

1/… As expected

And it was UNANIMOUS

#BREAKING Supreme Court rules Trump cannot be kicked off Colorado ballot #SCOTUS #14thAmendment #legal https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/supreme-court/supreme-court-rules-trump-cannot-kicked-colorado-ballot-rcna132291

theautisticcoach , 2 months ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Do my #ActuallyAutistic over or under estimate their abilities to “function”?

@actuallyautistic

catswhocode , 2 months ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic Hey all! I'm just curious, what kind of stims do you do, if any? I tap, sing, and play with stim toys (I have a squishy ball and some stuffed animals). I only recently learned that this was stimming but I've done it all my life, afaik.

PenguinBlue , 2 months ago to actuallyadhd group

I've been sleeping badly this week, waking up thinking about work at 3 in the morning unable to get to sleep for hours. I only this morning connected it to a meeting at work that I am worried about.

I came in this morning to find the other person had to cancel and wants to rearrange for next week. Looks like I get another week of this, then...

Can anyone relate?

@actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd
#actuallyautistic #actuallyadhd

aaronesilvers , 2 months ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic
Related: https://www.neurodivergentworking.com/post/the-win-win-of-autistic-questions

dyani , 2 months ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Yesterday I had an epiphany: I absolutely identify with PDA.

I hadn't really looked into PDA very deeply, until I came across someone explaining their experience that resonated (v loudly) w me!

This person explained they have big goals and dreams but the thought of actually doing them seems so painful and like the worst possible thing they could do. I feel that way too. It's like PDA poisons my desires.

What does PDA feel like to you?

@actuallyautistic

autism101 , 2 months ago to ActuallyAutistic group

I frequently have to re-read the same paragraph over and over again before it sinks in. It is really frustrating, and makes reading a book take forever. It even happens when I’m listening to an audio book.

Do you struggle with this?

#AskingAutistics #AskADHD #AuDHD #ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

pathfinder , 2 months ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic

For so long, I lived, in some respects anyway, like everyone else did and thought no more of it. I was cracking on with life, just like you were supposed to. Getting a job, or in my case running my own business, settling down in my own home. But then I finally realised that I was autistic and, as I once described it, "it was suddenly as if all the defences I didn't even know I had, just crumbled and fell."

In a sense, when this happened, it didn't show me anything new. I had always known that really loud sounds bothered me, for example. That most live music and I, really didn't get on. That loud TV's irritated me, that crowded places were a little bit too much. But what it did show me was how much these things bothered me in general and not just in excess. How even walking down a street was stressful and anxious. How even low levels built up, until they threatened to become too much.

The ability to self-mask this from myself, is what I lost when I finally realised that I was autistic. A form of denial, or perhaps more accurately disassociation (thank you @arcana for pointing this out.) that I had unconsciously developed. No doubt in part due to the general denial of my reality from society and the experience of growing up in that. A way of dealing with the pain and trauma that came from it, that no one else could see or accept. A way of simply not feeling that pain, or even acknowledging when things were effecting me. Of making it, not exist. Even though the effects were still there, building up until some final straw caused them to burst and then got all the blame for its trouble.

It wasn't that these things suddenly got worse when I realised I was autistic, even though it felt that way. Neither did the realisation make them suddenly appear. What it did, was make it no longer possible for me to disassociate from them. To wall myself away from even being aware of what was going on and the reality of it. Because I finally understood and in doing so, I could no longer hide from myself.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

olena , 2 months ago to Random

What being #AuDHD is like.
I decided to make miso-glazed eggplants for dinner. I usually make them with some sesame seeds. This time when I was almost done, I couldn’t find the sesame. I know I have at least two different packs somewhere. I found none on my seeds shelf, I wasn’t able to find any from the first try in my a bit too well-stocked pantry cabinets. So I got upset, finished making them as is, and don’t want them for dinner anymore, and am now cooking eggplants with za’atar

sebwhatever , 2 months ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic #actuallyautistic #autisticsurveys #askingautistics

What #videogame can you not stop playing...?

ScribblingOn , 3 months ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Anyone else feel weird when they’re NOT constantly anxious about something? When things are relatively okay and you don’t feel like you’re drowning?

It’s such a weird feeling that my mind and body are a bit thrown and dunno what to do with themselves???

@actuallyautistic

aaronesilvers , 3 months ago to ActuallyAutistic group

i'm grateful for a therapist who respects my wish to avoid any #ABA bs wrt #autism... helping coach me to figure out my own sense of boundaries, develop the ability to articulate my own wants and needs.

I've been in solitude for the first time in a bit as I wrap up things in philly this week, and while i'm super tired of living out of a suitcase and treading water life-wise for even longer… i'm not lonely; just that weird restless/exhausted @actuallyautistic

pathfinder , 3 months ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic

One of the final things my mother ever said to me was,
"You'll cope, because you've always coped."
At the time, I wanted to scream. Because I wasn't coping, I really wasn't. Not with the two years of her journey to get to that point. Not with the toll it had taken on me. Not with how I was feeling, or the grief I was holding in check. In fact, it felt as if I was as far away from coping as it was possible to be and still be able to be in that hospice room with her.

And yet from her point of view I had always coped, I was coping even on that day. I had been the one to get her to all her appointments and treatments and be there with her, helping her get through them and the hard questions she had to face. All the scans, the chemo, the operations. The choices that she had to make, when the truth finally became clear. I had never let her down, even through all the early mornings and even the struggle of having to take time off work. Just like I always had. I had always been there for her, always dependable. She may not have always agreed with all my choices in life, but she could see them working, she could always see me coping.

It occurs to me now, that this is how many may have seen me over the years. As someone who could always be relied upon, who was good at things. Who wouldn't fluster or panic. Someone who could be relied on. Even something of an authority. That it was how I was seen by my friends at school, even though I was by far the youngest of them. How I was even seen by their parents, when I would get it in the neck because of the trouble one of them had gotten into, despite it having nothing to do with me. How I was seen at University, as much by the lecturers as anyone. Why, in part, so many trusted me to teach their children how to drive. Why I was considered a good choice and a safe pair of hands.

And yet, in so many ways, I've never really coped. How can someone who could barely keep his flat clean, or keep himself fed, be said to be coping? How can someone who has gone through so much of his life, oblivious to what was going on, to whether he was even close to doing things right or not. Who expected at any moment to be called out for the fraud he was. Who was terrified by virtually everything he had ever tried to do, who doubted that he would ever get anything right. Who barely knew his own family and for whom true friendship was a distant dream, be said to be coping?

Because I didn't have a choice. How else was I supposed to live. There was nothing I could have said or done. Nowhere I could have gone. Even I didn't understand what was going on, so how was anyone else supposed to have? As far as I was concerned, this was how you got on with life. You dug deep and carried on regardless. It didn't matter that you had to soak up all the trauma and pain like a sponge to carry on. It didn't matter that you didn't have a clue and were making it up as you went along. That you thought of yourself as a failure because of all the things you couldn't manage or do. As long as you could do the things that others valued. Because, surely, that was just the way it was.

And so effort and energy was expanded, that shouldn't have been. Other people's needs and work was prioritised, when it shouldn't have been. Trauma and pain was absorbed and buried deep. Because it was the only way. The only way to keep going, the only way to exist. The price paid for not knowing who and what I was. Of only ever seeing value from others and never from myself. The price I paid for coping, because what else was I supposed to have done? Of not being able to see any other way.

A way that has cost me so much. That has left so many scars and so much still to deal with. That took so much from me, in terms of energy and effort and will, just to continue. Is it any wonder then, that as so many of us age, burnout seems almost inevitable. That early death seems a real possibility. Because the life we've had has been so much harder than it ever needed to be, or should have been. And all just to cope.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

EmilyMoranBarwick , 3 months ago to actuallyadhd group

Hung out with a friend yesterday and he was able—ON THE SPOT—to ACCURATELY estimate how much time it would take us to go to thrift stores and eat lunch.

My #AuDHD brain: WHAT MAGIC IS THIS?!?

---

#ExecutiveFunction #ActuallyAutistic #ADHD #neurodiverse
@actuallyautistic
@actuallyadhd

PenguinBlue , 3 months ago to ActuallyAutistic group

I've always wanted to do a PhD and, following my diagnosis, autism has become a spacial interest. Also, given I now know about my #ADHD, hopefully this academic process will be less stressful than the previous ones.

While researching PhDs I came across the Autism Research Centre, which sounds like a great option.

My eligibility notwithstanding (it's the University of Cambridge so I doubt I'll be accepted, but hey, it's worth a try), I started to look at the research they are currently doing to get an idea of what my research might be and one area of study is the impact of isolation of autistic people.

This got me wondering about isolation in our community and particularly the opposite, when there are too many people around and the impact of that on our mental health. I can't do too much socialising without time to myself even in situations where I know I don't need to mask or act neurotypical. People just take it out of me.

This has now got me to the topic of the importance of understanding from others to the mental health of autistic people. I find it interesting (though not so surprising) that so much of the research seems to be about how the mental health of autistic people is impacted due to our perceived defects, rather than the focus being on the impact of the outside world on us.

People have always told me that I'm straight to the point/rude when I speak so maybe it makes sense I'd like to look at how society impacts autistic mental health. Maybe "It's not my issue it's yours!" could be the headline for the article?

Now I need to hone this down to something I can actually research. Any ideas are welcome.

It also makes me wonder how many researchers in autism are actually autistic.

@actuallyautistic #actuallyautistic

callunavulgaris , 3 months ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic #ActuallyAutistic Can we talk self-diagnosis? The penny dropped for me last year. I'm only mildly autistic but that's enough to have made me wonder my whole life where I go wrong with social things, why others seem to know the rules and I don't, with predictable consequences. Because I am self-diagnosed I feel I can't be open with anyone beyond immediate family, esp work, as I don't have a doctor's note to back it up and I'll be accused of jumping on a bandwagon. Familiar?

GTMLosAngeles , 3 months ago to neurodiversity group

@autistic.me@a.gup.pe @actuallyautistic
@neurodiversity

Are you sensitive?

This was a question during my neuropsych eval on Friday. I could think of at least two ways to answer it, depending on the meaning of the word sensitive - so of course I answered both ways . It was a long answer. A lot of my answers were long.

How would you answer this (terribly vague) question?

NOTE: Also please feel free to ignore the question and rant with me about how ridiculous the assessment criteria can be.

#AutisticMe #ActuallyAutistic