thought i was getting $100 as a birthday 🎁 but that’s understandably just not in the cards. I need help covering my phone bill, I believe I have 10 days after it’s due before it gets cut off. All help is good help☺️
Sometimes I find myself imagining that someone calls me out on my weirdness in a small-talk context and I don't know how to respond. Does this sound familiar?
Here is an example: This morning, while I was in the shower, the thought crossed my mind that one of our neighbours might ask me out of the blue: 'When will you start dressing your child gender-appropriately?'
I'd be blindsided by such a question. In a small-talk context, it wouldn't be acceptable to say that this is an impolite question (if you don't want to risk souring the relationship). But it's not the right context either to give the real explanation by saying that we try to select beautiful and comfortable clothes for our child irrespective of gender norms. The correct response would probably be some kind of jocular remark.
Let me be clear: Nobody has asked me this, so I don't need advice on how to handle this. I'm just sharing this as an example of my anxiety of being 'found out' after years of masking.
I would have an answer to that question. Or I would have had one a couple of years ago.
My mother taught me a sharp-tongued conversation style that is quite successful in shutting people down. This was a lifesaver in my youth. (Or maybe it wasn't, but that's for another time.)
I still have this style in my repertoire. It can be useful. But that's not me anymore (if it ever was). You can only use this style if you are in a position where you don't give a toss about alienating whoever crosses your path.
So there are two aspects to it:
First, nobody asked me this. This is the inner voice of my anxiety. In order to silence that voice, I will have to learn to be comfortable with who/how I am (and how we raise our child). This is the only way (but it's really hard).
Second, if someone ever really asks this (impertinent) question, I want to be able to answer as myself without channeling my mother and lapsing into her abrasive style.
I'm not sure what to make of this video about autism diagnosis from Rebecca Quinn. I'm watching a lot of autistic youtubers to check them out, and this is the first of her videos I watched. Strong start, good information, engaging use of humor.
But the latter half of the video got weird. The first half was basically why self-diagnosis is valid and even necessary, and doesn't hurt anyone. But the second half was largely about how getting an official diagnosis is a privilege and refusing to get a diagnosis when you can is somehow letting people down.
This seems like a strange conclusion. Rebecca even got into how getting a diagnosis can have negative consequences because of laws that infantilize and restrict us. She also mentions how it can take as much as a couple years to get an assessment for a diagnosis, because there is not enough capacity to diagnose everyone. So, it seems there are actually reasons not to get an official diagnosis.
But Rebecca says everyone who can get an official diagnosis should get one, because that normalizes gettting one. As if getting an official diagnosis is a good thing that should be normalized. That's begging the question.
The other thing she leaves out is how getting a diagnosis often gets you NO SUPPORT at all, so what's even the point of it? There aren't any support programs for autistic adults, especially us late-dx folk. And even having a diagnosis doesn't get you accommodations at work if they have no ability to give you what you need and would rather fire you and then fight you in court than change how they operate.
Some people really do need an official diagnosis to access accommodations or care, or for other reasons. And it can take a few years to get that diagnosis. It seems ridiculous to tell everyone they should use up that limited capacity for a confirmation diagnosis that does nothing else beyond checking a box, when that takes away that opportunity from someone who actually needs it.
The most compelling reason she gave to seek a diagnosis was to check if it's some other mental illness or disorder that can be mistaken for autism but has a different treatment, or if it's something comorbid with autism. It's a reasonable concern, but I want to see some data about how effective psycholgists are at diagnosing someone accurately in that situation. Is it worth taking those diagnosis slots away from people who need them if they usually don't give any useful information?
URGENT! please help Tasia with basic necessities like food and healthcare! she is disabled and has struggled with housing. she needs your support. anything helps!
A new study found that autistic folks (well, mice models) develop PTSD brain structures significantly more eaaily than ballistic ones. That even comparatively minor stressors of the right type can cause this.
My post yesterday about delayed processing of anger was not happenstance.
My ex-bf did something on Friday that showed he has no regards for my feelings. In my book, he effectively lied about why he did not want to be with me. If you have feelings of déjà vu, you're right on the money. This is similar to what happened with the ex-gf I called my sweetest success, and my bitterest failure. She lied about our breakup.
I was raging with anger yesterday. If we had an interaction I would have rained hellfire on the boy.
What would I have accomplished? I would have made a bad situation even worse. Oh, I would have felt a dose of self-satisfaction, but at what cost? It wouldn't have fixed anything.
I expect we're going to talk again. I expect that when we do, instead of raining hellfire, I'll express my hurt and my disappointment. Truth be told, even if I had rained hellfire, I would have expressed my hurt and my disappointment, but a message embedded in a thick layer of hellfire is unlikely to be heard.
I'm going also to tell him that the friendship between him and I is over. I can't abide liars. I can't abide people who are blind to my feelings.
Maybe those who decide to cut contact with me after a breakup are onto something. If they lied about our breakup, those lies could be exposed.
I've written about the uselessness of anger before:
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 203 , Saturday 18/05/2024
Ruff as a bears bum today, no energy, no appetite, everything I do hurts.
It’s probably only man-flu again, I seem to catch every bug going at the moment & regular Squirrel Spotters will be aware that I’m a bit of a wuss when it comes to common or garden illness. 🙄🤦♂️
I keep plodding along, hoping that I catch a break at some point.
I am better this afternoon, this morning I felt like death warmed up, lunch was 5/6 of 2 rounds of toast - don’t ask - & tea will be venturing into the dubious gastronomic delights of a can of tommy soup.
I am a little brighter & well enough to write my diary, so that is an improvement.
Final Thoughts.
Please can someone hail a Delorean to transport me back to my 40s ?
I have to say that I am in total awe of those folk I know who live with chronic pain, chronic depression is a walk in the park in comparison, you peeps are the bravest folk I know!
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
I can tell when I need to lower the volume of something I'm listening to when I feel a kind of tightening in my ear muscles, and/or ringing in my ears, or a slight feeling of stress coming in from my environment.
I also just try to remember to always proactively lower the volume a couple ticks from what i first set it at, to prevent all those sensations.
What are the signs for you that things are a little too loud?