@calofost@neurodifferent.me cover
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calofost

@calofost@neurodifferent.me

#scientist 🔭, #academic parent 🎒, #ProgressiveChristian ⛪️, clarinet enthusiast 🎵, #neurodivergent 🧠, #actuallyautistic :infinity_rainbow:, #cat mom, #feminist 💪, mostly tooting from unceded Dharug lands 🦘, opinions (informed or otherwise) my own 🇨🇦🇦🇺, She/Her✨️

Will favourite #dogs & #cats pics.

Profile pic: cartoon of me walking, eyes closed, headphones and music notes floating around head.

Theme pic: photo of Elmer in all its splendid patchwork colours from "Elmer the elephant" by David McKee.

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calofost , to ActuallyAutistic group
@calofost@neurodifferent.me avatar

I love sharing my struggles here and getting support. This community is so wholesome. I am in the mood for some positivity! What are good things my @actuallyautistic neuropeers are thankful for today?

calofost OP ,
@calofost@neurodifferent.me avatar

@actuallyautistic That there are beautiful people in my life who see me and love me. They smile and rejoice with my autistic joy. My husband and daughter are my number one supporters and have stuck with me through and through! Overall, humanity is beautiful, there is hope that NT and NDs can be happy together!

calofost OP ,
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@melindrea @actuallyautistic That is wonderful! Finding neurokin is pure joy!

calofost OP ,
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@roknrol @actuallyautistic This comment brought much joy! A roof and reprieve! Hurray!

calofost OP ,
@calofost@neurodifferent.me avatar

@roknrol @wakame @pathfinder @actuallyautistic there's an autistic culture podcast about star trek. Must listen to this today! https://www.autisticculturepodcast.com/p/episode-10-star-trek-is-autistic

calofost OP ,
@calofost@neurodifferent.me avatar

@pathfinder @actuallyautistic and loop earplugs!

calofost OP ,
@calofost@neurodifferent.me avatar

@wakame @pathfinder @actuallyautistic I'm a regular offender of this I think. Sorry! I get excited about a plot or something in my data and I absolutely MUST interupt someone and show it! Luckily I have my usual willing victims around the office 😆. Yay for astronomy nerds ✨️.

calofost OP ,
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@Tooden @roknrol @wakame @pathfinder @actuallyautistic :ablobcatattention:

calofost OP ,
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@wakame @pathfinder @actuallyautistic oh yes 🤭, or I just talk over the movie until someone reminds me 😅.

theautisticcoach , to ActuallyAutistic group
@theautisticcoach@neurodifferent.me avatar

What’s the biggest myth about autism that my comrades have come across in the course of their self-advocacy?

@actuallyautistic

calofost ,
@calofost@neurodifferent.me avatar

@n69n @Starbrother @theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic OMG, this!!! Even if I now realise, bit late, that questions are seen as insubordination, I still wanna/need to know the answer. Also, I don’t think i really perceive questions as questioning my authority, so it is puzzling... is it really why NTs ask questions rather than, lets see, wanting to know the answer? If it is only sometimes ok, I have no idea what context is which... I don't read minds, so questions are the only way to know in my book... but if it is bad to ask questions, I'm stuck...

calofost ,
@calofost@neurodifferent.me avatar

@theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic "hope you won't use that as an excuse for... [insert valid accommodation]"

CynAq , to ActuallyAutistic group
@CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

@actuallyautistic

Melt down or freeze up, that is the question.

calofost ,
@calofost@neurodifferent.me avatar

@CynAq @actuallyautistic I've been perusing and following this blog for some months now. It is very good. I like what they say here about these responses. https://neurodivergentinsights.com/blog/autistic-anxiety-treatment

theautisticcoach , to ActuallyAutistic group
@theautisticcoach@neurodifferent.me avatar

We often run into miscommunication issues, not just with allistics, but also other comrades.

What barriers do you face in communications?

@actuallyautistic

calofost ,
@calofost@neurodifferent.me avatar

@theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic I cannot read minds...

theautisticcoach , to ActuallyAutistic group
@theautisticcoach@neurodifferent.me avatar

What does “unmasking” mean to my comrades?

@actuallyautistic

calofost ,
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@theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic not everyone likes my (even partly) unmasked self. I think it's (I am) scary because my behaviour is not as predictable as what they're used to in the NT world? Interestingly, kids usually do react positively to my authentic unmasked goofy self.

calofost ,
@calofost@neurodifferent.me avatar

@Jobob @theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic yes, intimidating and agressive. I feel passionate, but it comes across differently. Think Greta thundberg maybe? This is definitely gendered too.

EVDHmn , to ActuallyAutistic group
@EVDHmn@ecoevo.social avatar

@actuallyautistic

Would any of you be interested in doing a weekly audio conference? I have organizer stTus on meetup could do audio and discuss how everyone is doing checkins, talking science, or what it’s like for you personally in the world coping ?
Perhaps zoom audio, no judgements safe spaces etc over the internet ? Discords etc

calofost ,
@calofost@neurodifferent.me avatar

@Zumbador @olena @EVDHmn @actuallyautistic OMG! I'm the same! Constant headphones! I listen to the same books, fave positive podcasts, quirky facts, or just music.

calofost ,
@calofost@neurodifferent.me avatar

@EVDHmn @Zumbador @olena @actuallyautistic Spotify usually (paid subscription). Often same song on repeat... audible for audiobooks (again, usually same book series again and again when i cannot sleep). Many fave podcasts.

pathfinder , to ActuallyAutistic group
@pathfinder@beige.party avatar

@actuallyautistic

I once wrote about how it was not unrealistic, to think that there was no such thing as an un-traumatised autistic. About how so many of us have known bullying and persecution simply for being different. Not even always for what we may have said or done, but often for simply standing out; in all the ways that we didn't even know we were. How just simply being, was so often an excuse to be attacked or punished. That our very existence, even as hard as we tried to mask, whether we knew that was what we were doing or not, was the cause of so much pain.

All the scars we carry from misreading situations. Or from believing in something, or someone, and being burnt as a consequence. All the times we've tried to stand up for ourselves, or as often as not for others, and been dismissed and ridiculed. All the misjudgements and disbelieve and times when our intent and purpose have been seen in the ways that were never, ever, meant. The sheer inability for others to see us as we are, or to judge us accordingly. But, always to seem to want to see the worst and to base everything else on that.

But the more I learn and understand about being autistic. The more I realise that so much of my trauma and the scars that were left, came not just from this overt pain, but from the covert well-meaning of others as well. From my parents and relatives, from friends and teachers. From all the advice and instruction I have received over the years that was meant to shape me in the right way. As a child, to teach me how to grow up, how to behave and act. What was expected and what wasn't. And then, as an adult, how I was supposed to be and how a successful life, with me in it, was supposed to look. All the rules I was supposed to learn, all the codes I was supposed to follow. How to act, how to speak, what to feel, when to feel it. What I was supposed to do and how I was supposed to be.

Not in any unusual way. Not in any way that you weren't supposed to raise a child, well a normal child anyway. That's what makes this so covert. If you were trying to do this to a child knowing that they were autistic, then it's overt abuse. It is ABA, it is infantilising and punishing a child for always failing to become something, that they had no more chance of becoming than a cat has of becoming a dog. But for those of us who didn't know we were autistic. It was simply the constant hammering of the world trying, without even realising it, to fit a round peg into a square hole and all the pain and disappointment that came from their failure to come even close.

For me, what made this worse, was that it wasn't as if I didn't know that I was different, not in my heart, but that I thought that I shouldn't be. That I should be able to learn what I was being taught, that I should be able to follow the guidance. That I wasn't any different really from anyone else and so if I failed to act in the right way, or react the way I should, for that matter, then it was my fault. All the patient sighs and familiar looks, simply became just another reinforcement of my failure. Even being told off for the simplest things, became a reminder that something that I should have been able to do, was beyond me and always for the only reason that ever made any sense; that I was broken, that it was my fault somehow.

Is it any wonder that so much of my life has been about trying to justify myself in the light of this, of trying to become that "good dog". Of judging myself against an impossible standard. A constant lurching from one bad to choice to another, and always because I thought they were the right ones. And for each new failure and inability to even come close, another scar, another reminder of what I wasn't. Further proof that my self-esteem was right to be so low. Of how I was such a failure and a bad person. That I was never going to be a proper son or brother or friend. Because I couldn't even be what I was supposed to be, let alone what I should become.

Looking back, I can't help thinking about how much of my life I spent living this way; of trying not to repeat the sins of my past. Of not repeating the actions or behaviour that led to those past failures and trauma. Of, in fact, all the effort I put in to not being myself. Because that, I realise now, was what I was trying to do. I was that round peg and trying to hammer myself into the square hole. Because everything I had learnt had taught me to think that this was how I had to be. That this was how you grew. And in so many ways, I can't help feeling angry about this. About the wasted years, about the scars I carry that were never my fault. About the way I was brought up, even though none of it was ever meant, but only ever well-meant.


calofost ,
@calofost@neurodifferent.me avatar

@pathfinder @actuallyautistic so eloquently said and so true. It is hard to make sense of it all. I can recast my life in a new internal narrative that is gentler than what the world offered me, but I don't think the world is ready for autists to be ourselves, so where does that leave us? I want to drop the mask, but it isn't safe to. If nobody drops the mask, it will never be safe. If I drop it, i open myself back to harsh judgement. I don't know the answer, it is ablesim but it isn't concious, I didn't even realise it was until recently myself... what hope do we have of convincing others that we are just different, kind in a different way?

calofost , to ActuallyAutistic group
@calofost@neurodifferent.me avatar

I've been attending a career development training called "the authentic communicator". I almost chickened out at the last minute but I pulled through. It is a small cohort (20 or so ppl from mixed backgrounds and industries). I learned a few things that I've found tremendously helpful.

1- I want think of the way I present to an audience as a gift for the audience, not a reflection of my insecurities. If I have the audience in mind, I'm performing for their benefit, not for masking. I want my message to land well and with the intended impact.

2- when I am in the audience, I welcome people taking their place and leading the conversation. I appreciate them connecting with me. I also appreciate their authentic and unique style.

3- even NTs need to performatively mask to get the above right. It wasn't natural for anyone!

4- the coach (an actor and opera singer) "liked" my stimms (we recorded ourselves, and i noticed my fingers and feet are all over the place when I speak), she commented that they were part of my authentic self. Bless her!

@actuallyautistic

calofost OP ,
@calofost@neurodifferent.me avatar

@Twoflower @actuallyautistic this has been my experience previously also, so i was reluctant. I liked this specific training because it worked with what we naturally have got, finding our authentic style. Everyone had their own. Audiences are remarkably forgiving. The goal wasn't to make us all actors and TV presenters, but to help our messages land with their desired intent and impact with our varied audiences (mostly at work).

pathfinder , to ActuallyAutistic group
@pathfinder@cutie.city avatar

@actuallyautistic

One of the fun things about realising that you are autistic much later in life, is the sheer amount of life you now have to look back on with the light of this new knowledge. I know this isn't strictly necessary and that many don't feel the need. But, for me anyway, the urge to finally be able to understand so much is near overwhelming. This is perhaps because so much of my life has been determined by how much I didn't understand. Or at least so many of those bits that had to do with humanity and how I was supposed to function within society.

I suppose, in common with many of us, the single biggest question I have always had, was why? Why did we have to do things that way, why was that so important to them, why was that even a thing? So many things were a mystery to me and made no sense, although they obviously did to everyone else, because why else was I being told to do them, or that they were important. Or how upset people got when I tried to avoid or question them.

So one of the things I learnt early on to help me deal with this, was to be able to mentally flag things as unknown, but to be learnt about later. I could then, in a sense, file them away until I was older, or until I could work them out for myself. It allowed me to function, even if it was to only blindly follow the protocols of how to exist without ever really understanding them, because my questions were safely filled away, awaiting only time or greater awareness.

But, of course, what this also made me do is to learn to live quite passively. I didn't actually have to understand everything, or for it to make sense, to be able to do it their way. To be able to life within society and function in the ways that were expected. A little rigidly perhaps, a little too much, rules are rules. But, function anyway. What it also left me, though, was prone to getting stuck between conflicting protocols and not knowing how to act, especially in times of high stress or emotions. If I can understand something, then I can question it properly and work out how it applies to me and how I want to react to it. I can make my own rules and act accordingly. But if I don't understand, how am I then supposed to know how to act?

So many times in grief and conflict I was left in this state, unable to decide how to act. What I was supposed to do. Not because I didn't know how I needed to be, but because I was thinking only in terms of how I was supposed to be. About what was expected of me, rather than how I was. The passive acceptance that allowed me to function, now the hindrance to it. The price, if you will, of not having to question. Or, at least, not having the means to.

Because that is what finally having the answer to who and what I am, has given me. The ability to be able to understand so much now and to stop being so passive. All those files marked, to be understood later, finally have an answer. Even if it's only, inapplicable from birth. But that is still, no small thing.


calofost ,
@calofost@neurodifferent.me avatar

@pathfinder @actuallyautistic this perspective is beautiful, reflective of a deeply introspective and beautiful human being!

calofost , to ActuallyAutistic group
@calofost@neurodifferent.me avatar

I expressed myself politely but assertively with colleagues some weeks back. I was calling out what to me was undue treatment and overreach. I was called aggressive and intimidating and immediately felt like a horrible person. I apologised profusely and couldn't square how I can be so mean and completely oblivious of it. This led to much self loathing. I'm still not 100% sure what's what, but I strongly suspect 2 things: 1- I like direct communication, others hate it. 2- I don't know if it will ever be safe for me to stand up for myself in this world who find ppl "difficult". I can no longer wear the oppressive mask I used for most of my life. Ppl seem unwilling to explore their ableism, suggesting i should "get over it". I'm not sure where that all leaves me.
@actuallyautistic

calofost OP ,
@calofost@neurodifferent.me avatar

@Zumbador @actuallyautistic also, for the record, those who were kind enough to let me know about my email being aggressive and intimidating are people I value, like, look up to and trust. One also apologised for their wording. They are what I'd call really nice people. This is what's so unnerving about this instance, I don't think anyone was an asshole.

calofost OP ,
@calofost@neurodifferent.me avatar

@melanie @Zumbador @actuallyautistic 🤔

calofost OP ,
@calofost@neurodifferent.me avatar

@A_bee @Zumbador @actuallyautistic yes, and I cannot expect others to want to drain their own energies resolving and brainstorming solutions with me. But I'm so grateful for this community and support!

SaySimonSay , to ActuallyAutistic group
@SaySimonSay@tech.lgbt avatar

Before we had our child, I was able to do things that I cannot do anymore.

One of the reasons is that some coping mechanisms have become unavailable due to a permanent lack of free time.

In the past, I would lie down for a couple of hours after a stressful event. There was, for instance, an annual meetup I enjoyed going to, but being in a noisy, crowded environment for hoursband presenting myself as a buoyant person (that was my façade) exhausted me. I spent the rest of the day in a quiet hotel room, trying to recharge.

Now I'm caring for a toddler every day. I don't have the time to go to meetups, let alone recharge for hours in the aftermath.

So I'm unable to perform at similar levels as before. But in addition to that, I don't want (most of) that anymore. Part of it was a façade. I was posturing as something that was a narrow slice of what I am, rather than the full breadth of my personality.

So am I presenting the full breadth of my personality now? Well, I'm working on it 😏

@actuallyautistic

calofost ,
@calofost@neurodifferent.me avatar

@oliphaunt @SaySimonSay @actuallyautistic yes, covid and parenthood have completely dismantled my mask and facade. Many ppl don't seem to like the real me though and I can't decide if that's ok or if I just need to work harder. I oscillate regularly throughout the day.

theautisticcoach , to ActuallyAutistic group
@theautisticcoach@neurodifferent.me avatar

What are the biggest challenges you’ve begun to face since beginning your journey of embracing your self?

@actuallyautistic

calofost ,
@calofost@neurodifferent.me avatar

@theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic I'm struggling with acceptance and letting go of guilt. At first I felt relieved that there wasn't something fundamentally wrong with me, now I feel the opposite. Did others also feel this pendulum swing?

filmfreak75 , to AcademicChatter group
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@academicchatter why is it that neurotypical people think they can talk to us in as hostile a fashion as they want, but the second we respond in kind, we're out of line?

i just had a co-worker email me using language/tone that if i had done the same to them, i’d be getting told i was being unprofessional.

calofost ,
@calofost@neurodifferent.me avatar

@filmfreak75 @academicchatter oh, if only I knew, my life would markedly improve! Let me know if you find the answer to that. Ppl make excuses for bad behaviour all the time, but that generosity and grace doesn't seem to extend to all it seems...

dyani , to ActuallyAutistic group
@dyani@social.coop avatar

Is it rude to conclude that I never want NT friends again?

@actuallyautistic

calofost ,
@calofost@neurodifferent.me avatar

@aspiedan @dyani @actuallyautistic I'm cool with those who can meet in the middle. Many of my closest and most trusted friends are ND. Interestingly, some also recently diagnosed, funny how we attract one another.

punishmenthurts , to ActuallyAutistic group
@punishmenthurts@neurodifferent.me avatar

I've had zero life for eight years, but nonetheless it just keeps getting weirder.
.
While talking about psychology and abuse and therapy my entire life, my siblings hid from me my true origins and any chance I might have of understanding myself for real.
.
While knowing I was born an R-word (it was the 60s) these assholes have been hating on me as a man, as a white man, pretending they were punching UP on me all our lives, AND THEY FUCKING KNEW who was normal and who was fucked from the word "go."
.
It wasn't even random, my condition, there was a reason AND THEY FUCKING KNEW THAT TOO. The one I still talk to, the one who's been my only contact all my life, dropped the reason recently, perhaps by accident.
.
I mean - I forgot, or I never understood how fucked up I was either, but I forgot and they didn't think to mention it FOR THE REST OF OUR GODDAM LIVES.
.
They watched me stupidly get married and try to live and when it all fell apart, they said, yeah, well you should have been so patriarchal, or some shit, shouldn't have been such a normal, mean old man.
.
Even when it was all gone to shit and I'm staring at the void, they're still holding the family secret, he's normal. The secret was a poison, could have been heritable - watched me breed, he's normal.
.
I come from fucking hillbillies.
.

@actuallyautistic
.
I'm sorry and thank you.
❤️

calofost ,
@calofost@neurodifferent.me avatar

@punishmenthurts @Dr_Obvious @actuallyautistic I'm sorry to read this, I don't really have the words, but I wanted to let you know I empathise. This is your story.

dmcahill , to Random
@dmcahill@aus.social avatar

Later-in-life diagnosed adults often evade childhood diagnosis by suppressing their differences and imitating others, a behaviour known as masking. Prolonged masking can cause autistic burnout, occasionally even self-harm.” https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2024/mar/25/autism-diagnosis-ndis

calofost ,
@calofost@neurodifferent.me avatar

@Sci_Fi_FanGirl @dmcahill @actuallyautistic very beautifully put! " I am now accepting my differences. The competent man is dead, but the autistic person is able to breathe. It feels like the morning."

JeremyMallin , to ActuallyAutistic group
@JeremyMallin@autistics.life avatar

I hate getting messy foods on my hands. Is that an everyone who is autistic thing or a just some people who are autistic thing?


@actuallyautistic

calofost ,
@calofost@neurodifferent.me avatar

@Susan60 @analogfusion @cinja @hwestiii @JeremyMallin @actuallyautistic From my experience, it is my GP that suggested ADHD, then months later and quite a bit of $$ later the psychiatrist who specialises in diagnosing ADHD in adult women tells me that she thinks I am ASD, but she is not qualified to diagnose. I actually asked her "what is ASD?" So yeah... then I read about it and found myself in the stories of others. Many months later and lots of $$ later, I got an official diagnosis. Tbh, not sure I learned anything from the therapist by then, I knew and my wallet suffered.

calofost ,
@calofost@neurodifferent.me avatar

@Susan60 @analogfusion @cinja @hwestiii @JeremyMallin @actuallyautistic I relate with much of what you said. In the end, the main benefit I get from knowing is to reframe my difficulties in more accepting and gentle ways, being able to put my struggles into words (and deep duve research solutions) and the support of the ND community.

independentpen , to ActuallyAutistic group
@independentpen@mas.to avatar

@actuallyautistic A lot of people on here talk about meltdowns as a regular, visible thing. I know we're all different, but this is so far from my experience I started feeling a little impostery. I have had melts before, ie I've completely lost control and either: fled to save myself and others from me, or sort of left my body like a blackout (while still walking/talking) ... 1/

calofost ,
@calofost@neurodifferent.me avatar

@independentpen @actuallyautistic oh, this is so similar to what I experience. Definitely more a shut-down and sometimes dissociation, though i find the latter unsettling. Had all sorts of other diagnoses all my life because of not presenting as typically.

theautisticcoach , to ActuallyAutistic group
@theautisticcoach@neurodifferent.me avatar

What does the term “unmasking” mean to my comrades?

@actuallyautistic

calofost ,
@calofost@neurodifferent.me avatar

@morothar @theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic what you said about "learning who I am" is so true. After a lifetime overwriting my feelings, hunches, instincts and thought processes, I sometimes feel I don't know who I am. Am I the gregarious person I pretended to be to fit in or just the happy lurker. :autistic_lurker:

theautisticcoach , to ActuallyAutistic group
@theautisticcoach@neurodifferent.me avatar

What would my comrades like their friends & family to know?

@actuallyautistic

calofost ,
@calofost@neurodifferent.me avatar

@theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic hugging is hard for me.

theautisticcoach , to ActuallyAutistic group
@theautisticcoach@neurodifferent.me avatar

Do you use the word "Neurodivergent"?

Why or why not?

Do you think it's ableist?

If you don't use it, what word do you use?

@actuallyautistic

calofost ,
@calofost@neurodifferent.me avatar

@theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic I do use it. I am learning to use autistic more often also and get comfortable with the term. I hope this helps normalise different presentations and hopefully helps others find themselves if their presentation isn't "typical" like my heavily masked one was. I strongly respect people's choice to self-identify.

theautisticcoach , to ActuallyAutistic group
@theautisticcoach@neurodifferent.me avatar

Good morning comrades

What are you thankful for today?

@actuallyautistic

calofost ,
@calofost@neurodifferent.me avatar

@theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic working from home!

theautisticcoach , to ActuallyAutistic group
@theautisticcoach@neurodifferent.me avatar

What’s been the most important thing you’ve learned about yourself during your journey?

@actuallyautistic

calofost ,
@calofost@neurodifferent.me avatar

@theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic that not everyone masks to fit in, still blows my mind that the majority doesn't need to. Really?!

Susan60 , to ActuallyAutistic group
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

Question. Some dogs can tell if a person has cancer, presumably by their smell. Does anyone think that some autistic people might be more sensitive to such changes in body chemistry? Not as much as a dog, but more than most other people? @actuallyautistic

calofost ,
@calofost@neurodifferent.me avatar

@Susan60 @Dr_Obvious @homelessjun @actuallyautistic cold water smells different than boiling water! I'm with you! Water has a smell!

theautisticcoach , to ActuallyAutistic group
@theautisticcoach@neurodifferent.me avatar

How did my comrades come to know that they’re autistic?

@actuallyautistic

calofost ,
@calofost@neurodifferent.me avatar

@theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic my GP suggested ADHD, which caught me by surprise. The Dr I saw about possible ADHD said, nah, probably ASD, but I'm not qualified to diagnose... went into a deep dive and well yes, that was me. All the tests said so! My whole life made sense! Ive since gotten an official DX at 40 to confirm what I already knew! Completely changed the lense through which i see the world and my own place in it.

theautisticcoach , to ActuallyAutistic group
@theautisticcoach@neurodifferent.me avatar

Good evening #ActuallyAutistic comrades!

Who are some of your favorite musicians that bring you a huge smile?

#AskingAutistics @actuallyautistic

calofost ,
@calofost@neurodifferent.me avatar

@theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic Billy Joel the piano man and Coldplay clocks are often on repeat.

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