Sombyr

Sombyr , 1 day ago

I haven't even hit 30 yet and it's weird to hear Voyager called old. I grew up watching TNG and sometimes TOS with my mom. It was one of the few good parts of my childhood. It took me forever just to stop referring to Voyager and Enterprise as "the new stuff."

Sombyr OP , 1 day ago

I can see that perspective, and maybe subconsciously it is that stability I'm looking for, especially because I've gone through 2 separate traumatic events that resulted in me losing every friend I had, the second, the only person who stayed with me was my ex, who I was dating at the time.

I guess though I kinda feel like I have achieved some level of stability even without a relationship. That ex I just mentioned is still a good friend, and he and his girlfriend talk constantly about trying to move closer to me, because at this point they both consider me more of family than just a friend.

And it's like that for most of my close friends. I've got some that come and go, but my tightknit inner circle seems here to stay at least, at least for a very long time. I can see the appeal of wanting somebody to be there for my entire life though. Granted, the only people I can think of that I want that out of are the friends I already have, but on account of the fact that my friend group is practically composed purely of exs and people who've rejected me romantically already, it seems I'll have to look elsewhere. Although that's kind of a sad prospect to me, that I don't get to choose any of them to stay by my side forever.

Sombyr OP , 1 day ago

As far as sexual reasons go, I don't really need that myself. I'm not exactly asexual, I'm sexually attracted to people, I just find it's easy enough to take care of that need without a partner.

Losing friends to relationships though, I haven't ever had that happen. I just become friends with their partner too and absorb them into my friend group.

Although I found out that way through some of them that apparently I give off a really intimidating aura. Apparently I give off the vibes of "the popular girl who refuses to associate herself with the peasants" as somebody said. They tend to be pretty shocked I had any interest in being friends with them at all.

Sombyr OP , 1 day ago

I do have that resting bitch face (if you can see my profile picture, that's evidence enough.) I also have a habit of being unintentionally rude on account of autism. It causes most people who interact with me to really quickly turn away because I give off the vibe that I don't wanna be around them, even when I am enjoying their company. I end up being unintentionally popular anyway though because most of my friends are very popular, on account of them being so social even my unintentional rudeness couldn't turn them away. And naturally having a lot of popular friends turns heads in my direction as well.

Sombyr OP , 1 day ago

I think it's a bit of both in my case. I have a lot of popular friends, and that happens to turn a lot of heads my way and make some people insecure around me, but I also act unintentionally rude quite often, which I've been making an effort to fix, and I've been told by some people that it does make me look stuck up until people get to know me and realize I'm not rude, just very autistic.

Sombyr OP , 16 hours ago

Ah, don't worry, I wasn't trying to defend myself. More trying to understand my own feelings via comparison. Because I know that for some reason I do still want and enjoy romantic relationships, but I don't know why, since I get so much from my friends. It makes it difficult to know when somebody would be a good romantic partner for me because I don't know what I want from them in the first place, as evidence by the fact that all my exs have ended up making better friends for me than partners.

Sombyr OP , 16 hours ago

I'm beginning to wonder what romance is as well, after gaining close friends, especially one very close friend, who considers everything I once considered romantic to be just friendly interaction. That was kinda the catalyst for me to start wondering what it is a relationship can even offer me if I can have friends like this anyway.

Sombyr , 5 days ago

I spend 1/3rd of that on all of my groceries combined per month. If I was spending that much per week I would be over 1000$ in debt after a single month. Is the average person really that rich? And what food are they buying that they need to spend that much?
This is baffling to me as a poor person.

Sombyr , 7 days ago

I hope this doesn't sound aggressive, but unless you're a man, you never had to venture very far on Lemmy to experience misogyny. If you ever mentioned you were a woman in any of the major instances and communities in any context except "I'm a woman and here's what I don't like about other women," you were gonna get misogynistic replies and a shocking amount of downvotes. It's just what happens when any internet community is dominated by a single gender I guess.
Lemmy's always been great about almost every other social issue, except sometimes trans issues and neurodivergence if you stepped out of the communities for it, but women's issues have always been an absolute train wreck around here.

Sombyr , 9 days ago

I keep luring them out by accident just by bringing up any kind of women's issue at all. Thankfully though, a quick report and they get banned from my instance real fast.

Sombyr OP , 10 days ago

It baffled me too, but people have legit complained about this stuff to her and she's had to explain to them that I just talk like that. She has no expectation of me to change at all because she already understands my intentions perfectly well, but she told me simply because she felt I should know people were complaining.
As far as the period thing, apparently it's the last sentence I'm supposed to leave punctuation off of. I don't get it tbh. I mostly talk to people in MMOs and over Discord and apparently when I add a period to the end of the last sentence it makes people feel like I'm trying to end the conversation. It makes sense to me that people think that, given that every time I did it they'd just stop talking, but why they think that is a mystery to me. She said she thinks it's because they're just not used to it.

Sombyr OP , 10 days ago

That makes a lot of sense. I think I do notice patterns a lot, I just don't see the reason the pattern exists, so I can't determine if it's a rude pattern or a polite pattern. That's kinda what happened with "K." I saw people use it everywhere and went "Ah, I see, so this is how people talk now. I should do it too."

Sombyr OP , 10 days ago

...Ooooh. I think that's what she was trying to tell me actually and I just completely misunderstood. That second example is a type of situation I used it a lot in. I didn't realize people needed to know how interested I was. I thought they just needed a quick confirmation.

Sombyr OP , 10 days ago

Maybe. I actually scrolled back through the Discord we're in and only found exactly one other person who uses proper punctuation. Scrolling through my other Discord servers though and people use proper punctuation all the time. It does seem to be a thing that may be specific to this group.
Also coincidentally I actually did witness somebody send a message that was nothing but a single period earlier today, and the reaction was everybody briefly paused then continued on like nothing happened.
Whether it's a localized phenomenon or a wider one, it's still weird to me.

Sombyr OP , 10 days ago

This is really helpful. I didn't realize there were so many situations people were looking for validation. I just assumed when they said something like that it was just to quickly let me know and "K." was all they needed.

Sombyr OP , 10 days ago

Yeah, it seems not everyone has an issue with it. It might be more of an issue with me because I don't often convey much emotion when I speak because I don't know how, so I probably sound dead an uninterested when I combine that with perfect punctuation. Thinking about it, I also make very sparing use of exclamation points, so maybe I just seem so dead and formal that it makes people think I'm not really into the conversation.

Sombyr OP , 10 days ago

I never use emojis either, except specific ones for specific contexts (I.E. the hug emoji when somebody's having a really bad day.) People have pointed it out, but unlike other things people just view it as an interesting personality quirk of mine instead of off putting.

Sombyr OP , 10 days ago

Ah, I think the hangup for me wasn't so much not understanding that they had different info than me, but that they wanted the info I had. Moreover, that they might feel differently about things than I did, and they knew that, so I needed to make sure they knew how I felt.
When I see somebody just respond "K." or "Alright" to an invitation to do something, that always made me happy enough to know that they were gonna be there because I figured if they didn't want to, they'd have found an excuse to say no. I didn't suspect that others might not just assume somebody was happy to be there the way I did. It's helpful to know I need to clear up how I feel in some way for them to understand that I want to be there and enjoy their company.

Sombyr OP , 10 days ago

I'd noticed the thing where people send repeated short messages, but I didn't realize that's why they were doing it. I think I'm gonna have to take a middle ground though and just leave the period off my last sentence while trying to stay concise. I can't stand being interrupted in the middle of a thought so I gotta get it all out in one message.

Sombyr OP , 10 days ago

I see. I always just determined that by their reactions once they showed up, and figured all that mattered until then was whether they had any desire to at all, which was usually conveyed easily with single word responses. I didn't realize other people wanted to know your feelings beforehand.

Sombyr OP , 10 days ago

I can definitely adjust my words to express how I'm feeling better more often. The facial expressions and body language though I'm probably incapable of unfortunately on account of me actually having two separate disorders that make me unable to show physical expressions of emotion. Way back in middle school I was put in a special class to teach me both of those and I couldn't even figure out how to trigger the muscles in my face to actually make any expressions, nor was I even capable of recognizing the body language I was supposed to be mimicking even when it was described to me.

Sombyr OP , 10 days ago

The disorder is schizoaffective, but the inability to express emotions isn't usually a big feature of it. It comes with psychosis. Usually, antipsychotics are all it takes to trigger your brain to start expressing emotions again, but I can't take a high enough dose to do that without serious side effects, so I instead deal with minor psychosis symptoms, like having to remind myself constantly that no, the order of my songs when I hit shuffle is not a secret message telling me the future, and also the fact that I can't express any physical emotions unless they're very strong. It also shows in my tone of voice, which is a consistent, flat, unchanging tone that I try to vary randomly just so people don't tune out my voice.

Sombyr OP , 10 days ago (edited 10 days ago)

It's unfortunate I gave that impression, because she's probably the nicest, most accepting person I know, even including other autistics. She was just trying to let me know because I've experienced significant psychological distress from my inability to connect to other people, so she's trying to help me understand why, which was a recommendation by a psychiatrist I saw.

Sombyr OP , 10 days ago

Actually I'm fairly popular, but that just leads to me catching a lot of attention from strangers who's first interaction with me, not knowing I'm autistic, is seeing somebody rude and dismissive.
If I could just explain to everybody immediately "hey, I'm autistic, I'm not being rude on purpose," that'd be great. But most of my interactions with people are short messages like "What outfit are you wearing on your character" or a quick invitation to join them for something. Not a lot of opportunities to explain to them why I act the way I do.
When I do get the opportunity is usually when I end up making real friends, because they don't see me as the dismissive girl who doesn't want to talk to them anymore, but instead the autistic girl who just interacts a little differently.
Hell, some people keep trying over and over again to be my friend even when they think I am being rude and dismissive, they just don't make any progress because they've misread my mood and assume I want them to go away.

Sombyr OP , 10 days ago

The punctuation thing has actually been pointed out to me on a couple occasions before. One of my exs thought it was weird and said it "gave the impression I'd be mad if other people's grammar wasn't perfect." So apparently it does bother some people, but it's probably more of a straw that broke the camel's back situation, where I already speak so formally in the first place that it makes me look stuck up.

Sombyr OP , 10 days ago

No.

Sombyr OP , 10 days ago

As far as the first thing goes, I used to avoid using any text speech at all, only used proper punctuation, always made sure my grammar was right. People started to get really annoyed with me because of it, telling me I was being overly formal.
As far as the second thing goes, that was a sarcastic joke about how the "rules" I'm told to follow are always full of contradictions, making them hard to follow. The joke being if autistics made the rules they'd be actual rules, and efficient ones. I'm well aware of why it's not actually that way.

Sombyr OP , 9 days ago

I'm not sure, but I've asked people and I'm told by my friends that before they knew me better, they thought I was either being passive aggressive, or maybe I was going through something and was being rude by accident (the friend I mentioned said a lot of people were asking her if I was okay, because apparently I came across like I was upset about something.)
I'm guessing that'd be the "spouse k" then since I think that's the one that often implies "okay, but not really okay."

Sombyr OP , 9 days ago

I agree after reading the rest of the thread, but I think that may also have partially been her intention. I hang out primarily with the same group she does, so she's trying to help me get along with that particular group. Even so, her tips could help me come off as less robotic in general, even if they're not strict rules that need to be followed, so I think I'm gonna still try to take her tips and just adapt them to myself.
Definitely gonna stop saying "K." though. I don't have the skill to be nuanced enough to not use it improperly. Additionally, I always assumed people just wouldn't try to gauge my tone over text if I didn't specify it, but I guess unlike me it's important to neurotypicals to understand how each other feel, even if they have to assume, so I'll just have to cut down on the assumptions they have to make.

Sombyr OP , 8 days ago

I mean, probably a therapist would say that. Still ask your therapist and not Lemmy.

The funny part is I asked here specifically because I was directed to by a psychiatrist. They thought the best people to ask would be other people with autism who've already learned better how to interact because they'll understand what I need to hear better.
She also told me to consult the friend mentioned in my post, which is how that conversation started.
The reason I'm trying so hard to understand is because I keep having mental health crises over my inability to communicate and the fact that I have a habit of making people really mad and not knowing why or what I did to cause it. Being not only an outcast but having everyone hate me and not just imagining that is very stressful.
Trusting myself to know what's rude doesn't work. I piss people off extremely easily and don't even notice I did until they're refusing to speak to me.

Sombyr OP , 8 days ago

That's good advice, but it's also worth noting that my initial strategy was to try to hold of on saying anything at all that could be offensive until I learned what's okay and what's not, but that too ended up offending some people. The reason being that I would get close to people, but they would get closer to me faster than I was getting closer to them due to me still being overly cautious and trying to find the proper things I was allowed to say and do with them. That's partially what this is about. Trying to find the starting line so I know what's not gonna drive people away immediately.
For instance, while it's true a lot of people won't be offended by "K." or proper punctuation, I feel like in most casual contexts, people are much less likely to be offended if I don't do those things, which gives me time to get closer to people and learn more instead of driving a sizable portion away right off the bat.
Another piece of advice this friend gave me was to ask more questions. I always knew that was a good thing to do, but I was always worried people would see me as nosy if I asked the wrong ones. I learned from her that people are generally more happy by me showing interest than they'd be upset by me accidentally asking something personal.
That and the advice I've gotten in this thread has been really helpful so far. Already people are being a lot friendlier toward me, although it's gonna take a bit to change the general public opinion of me.

Sombyr OP , 8 days ago

As far as I understand, people generally assume I'm being rude and dismissive, but they don't tell me that, they just kinda stop talking. Then they go and ask my friend why I'm like that, where she explains to them that I'm not being rude, I just have difficulty communicating, at which point they usually accept that, but still don't talk to me much because I'm just too difficult to get close to. Or at least they think I am, because they don't realize I'm enjoying their company because I don't express it, because I just assume they'd know because I'm paying attention to them.
That's what I'm working on. Showing people that I'm genuinely enjoying their company, that when they ask me questions I'm happy to answer, and so on. So it's not so much a problem of people not being willing to adapt to me, but the fact that they as much as me don't know how to adapt, so I need to meet them in the middle.

Sombyr OP , 8 days ago

I'm aware, and thanks for the advice. I've experienced a little of this already since I've been applying the advice I've gotten here. Luckily, so far, most have been willing to put some effort in now that I've shown I'm willing to as well. It's easy enough to just not talk to the people who won't, because they're already not trying.

Sombyr , 15 days ago

Well it is Heathcliff. I'm not sure if I'm too autistic to know if everyone was avoiding pointing that out or if people really didn't know.

Sombyr , 15 days ago

I just preemptively reject people before I notice them hitting on me. It might be annoying to some people, but I imagine it's easier on them than the previous strategy, which was being completely unaware until years later where they finally go "Okay, do you like me or not? Because it feels like you've been leading me on this whole time."
Apparently not only do I miss other people trying to hit on me but also I unintentionally give vibes to people that I'm into them.

Sombyr , 15 days ago

Depends more on which man than which bear for me. Random man I know nothing about? The bear. Friend who's been nothing but nice and respectful for years? The friend.
We aren't answering the question thinking "well the bear might not kill me," it's "the bear will only kill me."

Sombyr , 17 days ago

I keep my ringtone and most of my notifications on silent, but I keep a chime on for certain DMs because there's some people I just really wanna talk to badly enough that I wanna know instantly the second they message me.

Sombyr , 17 days ago

You remembered wrong.

Sombyr , 23 days ago

Sounds like somebody's never been to Vermont.

Sombyr , 25 days ago

On the contrary, it's not a flaw in my argument, it is my argument. I'm saying we can't be sure a machine could not be conscious because we don't know that our brain is what makes us conscious. Nor do we know where the threshold is where consciousness arises. It's perfectly possible all we need is to upload an exact copy of our brain into a machine, and it'd be conscious by default.

Sombyr , 25 days ago

I think you're a little confused about what observed means and what it does.
When unobserved, elementary particles behave like a wave, but they do not stop existing. A wave is still a physical thing. Additionally, observation does not require consciousness. For instance, a building, such as a house, when nobody is looking at it, does not begin to behave like a wave. It's still a physical building. Therefore, observation is a bit of a misnomer. It really means a complex interaction we don't understand causes particles to behave like a particle and not a wave. It just happens that human observation is one of the possible ways this interaction can take place.
An unobserved black hole will still feed, an unobserved house is still a house.
To be clear, I'm not insulting you or your idea like the other dude, but I wanted to clear that up.

Sombyr , 25 days ago

A building does not actually enter a superposition when unobserved, nor does Schrodinger's cat. The point of that metaphor was to demonstrate, through humor, the difference between quantum objects and non-quantum objects, by pointing out how ridiculous it would be to think a cat could enter a superposition like a particle. In fact, one of the great mysteries of physics right now is why only quantum objects have that property, and in order to figure that out we have to figure out what interaction "observation" actually is.
Additionally, we can observe the effects of waves quite clearly. We can observe how they interact with things, how they interfere with each other, etc. It is only attempting to view the particle itself that causes it to collapse and become a particle and not a wave. We can view, for instance, the interference pattern of photons of light, behaving like a wave. This proves that the wave is in fact real, because we can see the effects of it. It's only if we try to observe the paths of the individual photons that the pattern changes. We didn't make the photons real, we could already see they were real by their effects on reality. We just collapsed the function, forcing them to take a single path.

Sombyr , 24 days ago

There shouldn't be a distinction between quantum and non-quantum objects. That's the mystery. Why can't large objects exhibit quantum properties? Nobody knows, all we know is they don't. We've attempted to figure it out by creating larger and larger objects that still exhibit quantum properties, but we know, at some point, it just stops exhibiting these properties and we don't know why, but it doesn't require an observer to collapse the wave function.
Also, can you define physical for me? It seems we have a misunderstanding here, because I'm defining physical as having a tangible effect on reality. If it wasn't real, it could not interact with reality. It seems you're using a different definition.

Sombyr , 24 days ago

I see, so your definition of "physical" is "made of particles?" In that case, sorta yeah. Particles behave as waves when unobserved, so you could argue that they no longer qualify as particles, and therefore, by your definition, are not physical. But that kinda misses the point, right? Like, all that means is that the observation may have created the particle, not that the observation created reality, because reality is not all particles. Energy, for instance, is not all particles, but it can be. Quantum fields are not particles, but they can give rise to them. Both those things are clearly real, but they aren't made of particles.
On the second point, that's kinda trespassing out of science territory and into "if a tree falls in the forest" territory. We can't prove that a truly unobserved macroscopic object wouldn't display quantum properties if we just didn't check if it was, but that's kinda a useless thing to think about. It's kinda similar to what our theories are though, in that the best theory we have is that the bigger the object is, the more likely the interaction we call "observation" just happens spontaneously without the need for interaction. Too big, and it's so unlikely in any moment for it not to happen that the chances of the wave function not being collapsed in any given moment is so close to zero there's no meaningful distinction between the actual odds and zero.

Sombyr , 24 days ago

I suppose I was overly vague about what I meant by "exact copy." I mean all of the knowledge, memories, and an exact map of the state of our neurons at the time of upload being uploaded to a computer, and then the functions being simulated from there. Many people believe that even if we could simulate it so perfectly that it matched a human brain's functions exactly, it still wouldn't be conscious because it's still not a real human brain. That's the point I was arguing against. My argument was that if we could mimic human brain functions closely enough, there's no reason to believe the brain is so special that a simulation could not achieve consciousness too.
And you're right, it may not be conscious in the same way. We have no reason to believe either way that it would or wouldn't be, because the only thing we can actually verify is conscious is ourself. Not humans in general, just you, individually. Therefore, how conscious something is is more of a philosophical debate than a scientific one because we simply cannot test if it's true. We couldn't even test if it was conscious at all, and my point wasn't that it would be, my point is that we have no reason to believe it's possible or impossible.

Sombyr , 23 days ago

You can try.